Desséchant
by Novocain
Summary: [He is fifteen years old and quite sure that it will never be possible to hate himself more than he does at this exact moment. He is wrong. He is so very wrong.] Eleven truths about Sasuke, and they don't get much more terrible than this, children.


-

-

-

1)

When Itachi massacred their family, Sasuke was eight years old. You would think that eight is too young to devote one's life to revenge, but ghosts don't care – didn't care, and Sasuke swore vengeance just to be able to sleep at night.

2)

He doesn't truly believe he will ever be talented enough to kill Itachi. The missing-nin has such talent – he graduated from Academy at seven, was Jounin by nine, and became ANBU at thirteen.

Sasuke graduated at age eleven and didn't even kill until he was fourteen.

3)

By the time Naruto catches up with Sasuke when the second Uchiha runs to Orochimaru for power (he doesn't care about _evil_ or _morals_ because he thinks he has seen it all – he doesn't know SHIT), all that is pounding through Sasuke's power-drunk head is _I aM mOrE sPeciAl ThAn yOU. _

He doesn't ever admit that he is/was/will be jealous of Naruto. The truth is, though, that Naruto doesn't know his parents – or even their names – and he has no friends and no talent and no future… and Sasuke has split-second moments where he looks at the idiotic ball of weapon-studded sunshine and _yearns_ to be him – without expectations or chains or a broken set of emotions. He thinks in those moments that being hated and shunned by all of Konoha would be completely and totally worth not being himself.

No one knows it, but Naruto whole-heartedly agrees. The time for jealousy on his part has passed, another phase in growing up (but he won't ever let it go, will grasp that connection in his fist until it makes him bleed). He wouldn't trade with Sasuke even if it guaranteed him the title of Rokudaime.

4)

Sasuke learns what wicked is – and wicked is Orochimaru. The legendary traitor of Konoha is unbelievably strong and cunning and absolutely sociopathic. There are experiments conducted in Sound that violate all natural laws and basic human rights. It sickens Sasuke to activate the curse seal while knowing what it actually does to him.

It is powered by his soul – it is eating everything that makes him _him_ bit by bit, personal lines and attachments and schemas and beliefs, and he won't be human by the end of it.

He thinks that may be easier.

5)

Do you see the difference between murder and suicide? Because, Sasuke thinks, the weakling obviously had a death wish if he was picking a fight with him, of all people.

Do you see the difference between murder and suicide? Sasuke doesn't.

He is fourteen years old and he has just killed a man for the first time. It is messy, and blood is staining his right arm (that he used to punch through the man's chest – like with Naruto, only _Sasuke won't think about that_) and blood is spattered on his face. It is so warm. There is some on his lips, and he licks it off.

He smirks darkly at the tang, and he loves it. He loves it - but this is a lie, this is what he wishes he was feeling. Really and truly, this does not matter. This is supposed to matter, right?

Countless miles away, a divine ribbon is fraying.

6)

He doesn't glance at a mirror for the first two and a half years he is in Sound because he doesn't want to look himself in the eye. When he finally does, it is because there is no choice but to see his reflection when Orochimaru has him flat on his back and hard_so_hard – no choice but to stare at the vain, narcissistic man's mirror-covered ceiling if he doesn't want to look at the vain, narcissistic man himself.

He feels sick as soon as he meets his own gaze because he truly sees himself and the surreal thought that comes is: _What is Itachi doing here and why is Orochimaru on top of him?_

He looks like Itachi. (Something gives way inside.) He is allowing himself to be fucked quite thoroughly by a man - a man he hates and would never trust, a man who has destroyed people and lives and countries with the same precision and detached dedication he gives to controlling the reactions of Sasuke's body. This is a man whose power is encompassing, is twisted and vicious. Does Sasuke think that power will rub off on him? (Ha.) Power. All about power, on both ends, and there is no question of when that was all life became. Such a question is not even possible.

He waits for Orochimaru to shudder and finish, and then he rolls out of the Sound leader's bed (covered in sweat and slick with cum) and calmly pukes in the bathroom. He stares at the vanity mirror. He hasn't been sleeping at all (his soul is half-gone) and the carved bags under his eyes make him into a twin of his older brother.

He is fifteen years old and quite sure that it will never be possible to hate himself more than he does at this exact moment.

He is wrong.

So very wrong.

7)

He runs a couple of weeks before Orochimaru would perform the body-switch jutsu. He has been trained to perfection – he is good. Better than good, but not better than Orochimaru.

He doesn't really need to be. Sasuke slaughters the pedophile while the man is still inside of him. Do you want to know how? Of course you don't. He catches Orochimaru in a subtle genjutsu while the man is fucking him raw and bite-kisses him to swallow any stray, last second cries for assistance the man may let loose.

He has bastardized Naruto's Rasengan, you see. It is compact and tiny, only focused on a finger, and it goes through Orochimaru's throat so beautifully.

When the man is nearly dead, golden eyes staring in panic and disbelief, Sasuke shoves the man off and out of him. He climbs on top and clutches the man's ruined, gushing throat in a clawed hand. He gazes straight into the man's eyes and _smirks_, and then he does something he wouldn't have done – _he wouldn't have done it if he'd had all of his soul._

Orochimaru is sixty seconds away from death (life pouring from a gaping hole in his long, pretty neck) when Sasuke shoves his cock up the man's ass.

He quickly fucks the man bloody, using his Sharingan to weave another genjutsu that makes time seem to slow, and counts the pedophile lucky that he only lives for a minute – doesn't live longer so Sasuke can torture him longer.

Sasuke put up with it for months, after all, and he has always been so lovely with hate-filled eyes burning with promises of vengeance.

8)

And he runs. He knows all of the Sound nins – their strengths and weaknesses and loves and hates and madness - and knows he could kill them all with minimal fuss, but he has something he needs to do.

He doesn't even think about going back to Konoha. He runs straight to Jiraiya, because where Jiraiya is, Naruto is, and where Naruto is, Itachi will be.

He may only be a third of himself (lessening every day – his cruelty grows), but his soul has long been soaked through with rEVeNgE, and he will see it carried out.

So the bit of himself that is in love with Naruto is long gone (he thinks) and the bit in love with Konoha is dead (burned away with the very first seal activation, he knows) and he is (not) safe from being distracted from his goal of killing Itachi.

Doesn't it make you want to laugh, lovely? Doesn't it? Sasuke-luv is so wrong about so many things and it doesn't even matter. He is so warped by so many things and it doesn't even matter.

Doesn't it make you want to laugh?

9)

Jiraiya tries to kill him. Sasuke isn't particularly surprised – the toad-summoner probably thinks Orochimaru has taken over his body.

(And here he is wrong again – he believes the Konoha fools to be too weak to kill without reason. Jiraiya wasn't called the White Demon of Konoha in his youth for no reason. Silly, silly Sasuke.)

Jiraiya tries to kill him and almost succeeds before Naruto knocks him out. Sasuke doesn't know where the blond (not such an obnoxious runt anymore) learned the Yondaime's flash jutsu, but Naruto mutters something about payback as he throws the unconscious old man casually onto an out-of-the-way pile of dirt.

--_You ready to come back yet, teme?_ he asks quietly.

--...

--_Itachi, huh?_

--_Hn_.

--_No surprise there. Well, get outta here. The stoic fuck oughtta be around pretty soon - he hasn't been for a while, and lemme tell you, I have not been missing that damn Mangekyou of his. Anyway, lay low, yeah? You won't be able to kill him if Ero-Sennin's trying to decapitate you. And I hope you know some awesome stealth jutsu, teme, because Ero-sennin really is a kick-ass nin,_ he says with a smirk. (This smirk is something new, something Naruto has learned through three years of disappointment and loss and determination and sheer bloody-mindedness, and it says a lot of things. It says: i want you i need you i will drag you home or die in the process but i'll give you one last shot to reach your dream don't waste it don't waste it like you wasted me like you've wasted your life don't you see that it doesn't really matter? It is a very eloquent smirk.)

Crimson/black/crimson/black - refusing to feel anything - he misses the moron so damn much - so so so so so damn much – no, no he doesn't. He. Does. Not.

And if Sasuke were himself, still the angsty, tunnel-visioned brat who first barreled out of the Leaf breathing hatred but not quite enough fire to burn all of his bridges, this thought would run through his dark-maned head: _Is Itachi worth it?_

But he isn't and it doesn't. As it is, he simply vanishes without a word (he doesn't trust himself; finally, the boy shows a modicum of intelligence, hm?) and waits for Itachi to show.

10)

By the time Sasuke is finished with Itachi, the body is unrecognizable. The hair has been burned away, the eyes gouged out - a Chidori through the man's heart has left an imploded and fried interior, and both of the corpse's legs are broken. The right one is broken in five places, and you had better believe that Itachi felt that for the short remainder of his existence. His left hand is missing and his right arm is completely snapped at the elbow.

...Will you cry, please?

Because Itachi is dead dead dead - he was a monster and he is dead; will you please cry for him? For his death? And for Sasuke, because his soul is gone gone gone to the very last drop - he is a monster and he is alive; will you please cry for him? For his life?

Cry and cry and cry – because without his soul, there is nothing holding him back from

killing

Naruto.

That final, anticlimactic whip of his sword, a tenth of a second faster than expected (and it should have been more drawn-out than this, should have been _more _than this) - he performs it with a joyless grin on his face.

Life is so much easier without a soul.

11)

When Sasuke went on his rampage, he was fifteen years old. You would think that fifteen is too young to go mad, but demons don't care - didn't care, and Sasuke used his soul as a battery just to be able to sleep at night.

-

-

-

-

-

* * *

A/N: (cringes) I know...but it was a request. Twinkletoes, here you go. Be happy. (glares) Be very, very happy.

Right, I hope you lot enjoyed it! ...Go ahead and guess the title's meaning. You'll ... eventually get your prize fic. (starts sobbing, then rolls over and pukes into a bowl)


End file.
